everything is illuminated

It was 6:30 in the morning when it hit me. I was in the middle of preparations for my first class and I had to sit down for a moment until the wave of illumination passed.

After a trying semester I felt good about having a break. I went home to the province for the first time in 5 months and slept soundly in my bed. I slept late and woke up late, attended family reunions and had conversations with my grandmother. I watched TV, something I did not have the luxury of doing in my TV-less, mirror-less apartment. In the midst of Numbers and CSI marathons, Discovery Channel features, endless coffee breaks and reading books I actually enjoyed reading, I found myself saying this is not so bad. And for a vacation virtually free of travel, malling and movie marathons I still couldn’t help but feel satisfied. It was like having my Buddha-on-the-mountain-top moment -- enlightenment that life wasn’t bad at all.

Anxiety over going back to school didn’t hit me until yesterday. I was unsure of how easily I could get back in the groove of things after having the longest sem break I’ve ever had in med school. I was still pretty much holding it all together though, psyched about attending classes, refreshed after my month-long hiatus.

And then this morning the veil was swept aside.

Who am I deceiving? That entire sem break is not who I am. Nor is it how my life will be. I am not long vacations, eight hours of sleep, TV and books to read.

I am a perpetual student, destined to have a life in the academe. I am waking up early, going to school, studying, doing homework and sleeping late at night. Lectures, patients, hospitals. THIS is my life. Who am I to pretend otherwise?

I have not chosen a life involving arts, culture and history. There is no reason why I should expect to have one.

This is my life. This is as good as it gets.